Today I Choose

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Today I Choose

I wrote this on 12/3/17
I guess I'd like to share it - for what it's worth. It was written right after I read this in Don Miguel Ruiz's book:
""How many times has the voice  made you say "yes" when you really wanted to say "no"? Or the opposite – the voice made you say "no" when you really wanted to say "yes"? How many times has the voice made you doubt what you feel in your heart? How many times have you missed opportunities to do what you really want to do in your life because of fear – fear that was a reaction to believing the voice in your head? How many times have you broken up with someone you really love just because The Voice of Knowledge told you to do it? How many times have you tried to control the people you love because you follow that voice? How many times have you gotten angry or jealous or lost control and hurt the people you really love just because you believed that voice?" 


Today I choose to live from the "Voice" of my Heart
No longer will I make decisions from the Voice of the Mind for I know
that when I tap into my "mind" it has the very cunning ability to tell me all sorts
of lies.

All sorts of lies.

But, when I tap into heart...ahhh.. the truth is there, 
staring at me, trying to steer is there to guide me!

My BIGGEST mistakes have been made when I have paid attention to the lies my mind starts to tell me...or when I use my mind to rationalize why I don't want to see what I AM seeing.  What I am seeing AND what I am feeling IS my truth!

And the words? The words I tell myself? and the words I try to believe when others speak them to me?...those words are often the lies we tell to ourselves...and to others.

Words are our meager and extremely limited attempt at expressing our truth. 
Years ago, rather than struggling to find the words in an attempt to speak my truth..ensuring that my truth was heard by another person...I would abandon the truth.

But abandoning the truth didn't feel all

It was easy to tell the truth to those I was less connected to. After all, there wasn't as much at stake. Sadly, it was more difficult to be truthful with the ones I loved most because it was difficult for me, often out of fear of how the other person would respond, to express what I was really truth.

But at some point, after years of ignoring the emotional strain of accepting those lies as my truth,  my body told a different story. My body was no longer strong enough to hold all of the lies that I held within me. For lies are cancer, if not for the body, for the soul.

So, I began to express my truth and found that when I expressed my truth from a place of love and confidence, and with no attachment to the result (yes, I even risked losing their love) my truth was well received and my relationship with that person grew.

As a result, and over time, I came to realize that keeping the truth from another person was not only limiting me but limiting the other person as well. 

In my own lack of willingness to expand in that moment, I was also limiting the other person's capacity to expand as well. I came to realize how very selfish I was in those moments. Before, back in the day, I would make the decision to push the "easy" button. 

But, I also learned that pushing the "easy button" is merely an "easy way" to abandon the truth. 

I learned that in the times I abandoned my truth, I became a prisoner unto myself. A prisoner of the Voice of the Mind...a prisoner of my own lies.

In time, I learned that speaking my truth is liberating for both myself and the one I am attempting to communicate with. I have learned that when I am living from my heart (not my mind) I find a way to use (in fact, have an urgency toward) open and honest communication - despite my limitations of language (if the situation necessitates use of the verbal language in the first place).

I have also learned that when I am coming from a place of love, often words are  unnecessary and I know this because when I am in that place of love, untethered joy and ecstasy, I know...there are no words for that experience!

I find this love when I am in communion with nature. Ahhhhh! But to have the good fortune to have that with another human...well..there are no words! The best one I can come up with in the moment is "exquisite."
(Although I've made an effort to expand my communication skills, I can still become frustrated with the lack of words to express what I'm truly feeling in those moments that truly "matter.")

And, even though I have learned to use my words to speak my truth as best I can, what follows Is the reason for this declaration...
Over the past several months, during brutally honest reflection, I realized I have continued to listen to (and wrongly told myself to believe) my lies...other people's lies...the lies we continue to tell ourselves...even the lies we believe are our truth because we have told them so many times. heart...
has always known the truth.

My heart felt the truth each and every time someone's actions (or my own) weren't a match to their words (or mine). In ignoring this truth about others, I have allowed their lies to become my lies. 
I have excused other's actions for too long and far too many times...trusting and relying on what they were telling me, rather than what they were showing me...
time and again.
I have also excused my own actions and lies for far too long.
And although my lies will always be my lies, I need to begin with the truth now. 
This pattern stops now. I am reminded of that old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

As I reach for the next chapter in my life, I am reaching for the truth. I won't find the truth in your words...or in your mind...or in mine...for the mind is the place were we make up words...where we make up all of our lies.

My truth...well...everyone's truth...resides in our hearts. From this day forth, I will  live from the "voice" of Truth. I will live from the Voice of my Heart. And in doing so, I will find and experience, once again, the innocent childlike feeling of the exquisite moments of untethered joy!

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